The disciple of small things.

I am sick and tired of seeing the big picture, taking a balanced view, accept challenges and be a teamplayer, collaborate…what do they mean anyway?

I have always heard people saying…try to see the ‘big picture’…at times I myself have been guilty of using that phrase…."let’s try and see the big picture"…. “are we missing the big picture here?”
Tell you what; I am tired of trying to see the big picture. Just when I think I am able to see it…someone comes along (mostly it would be my boss or his boss) who will make it clear that I am really looking at something pretty small and totally missing the big picture. I am also tired of being a team-player, code of conduct compliant, showing ownership and initiative, accept challenges etc.

So I have now decided to make a ‘paradigm shift’ (Stephen Covey…and his 7 habits…damn him!!!) and only look at the small picture. I shall cease to be a team player and abdicate all ownership.

I shall focus on the inconsequential and the low impact stuffs of life. Petty triumphs, small victories, opportunities to say ‘I told you so’ to who ever is ready to get irritated by me saying it, deftly passing on blame for my own wrongdoings onto someone else, passing the buck, make others fill miserable with my triumphs (which would mostly be imaginary), speaking out harmless lies and try work my way up towards the harmful ones, brown-nosing the boss, back-stabbing, procrastinating…you get the drift….this is what I shall consciously strive to do.

In other words, I’ll do all the things that I have so far been told I should not be doing. I shall try my best to spread misery and sorrow. I shall look down over those who earn less than me and crib against and be spiteful of those who earn more. I shall mislead and misdirect, I shall pretend to be helpful with deep intent to be harmful.

Illustration:

Frustrated colleague -"Can you suggest any improvement on this presentation? I worked all night on it"

Me --- "hmm.....ummm...you actually plan to present that?"

And the great thing is even as I am writing this down, I have already started actioning it. I’ll go to sleep with the balcony door open tonight. Tomorrow morning I shall ask wife why she forgot to close it (she’s already asleep). I’ll follow this up with the complaining that there’s no clean handkerchief…and will then show magnanimity by using the soiled one but after turning it over…wow…I have already got two victories and I have not even left home.

In office I shall let others know that though the leadership discussion is confidential, but my growth plans have figured prominently in it…man I can almost see my colleagues going home and shouting at thier kids in frustration.

Illustration:

Me, to colleagues in the cafeteria "I guess you guys are aware there's a succession planning going on?"

I pretend to be startled by the blank stares 'Ohhh.....hmm..."

I make a conscious effort to change the topic...."At what time are you guys planning to reach the Boss' house for this weekend's drinks?"...more blank stares. Victory!!!

I shall ask my team-members…no…my subordinates, why they did not sit back late in office and finish their work…if they say they did finish, I can always ask for status update on the strategy document (mostly in any organisation/department there is always a strategy document at various stages of completion but never complete).

I shall let my boss know of the killing that I am about make on the equity markets this month and maybe remind him that I had tipped him on Jhumritilaya Sugar Mills. I shall also congratulate him on his foresight and wisdom in agreeing that my 3 year plan for the business would be bang on. (See how cleverly I get two birds with one stone).

In the meetings I shall question the authenticity of any number displayed and kill the discussion early by raising irrelevant questions on the basic assumptions.

Illustration:

But I do not see why our fixed costs should go up if they are really fixed , and are your numbers in USD or INR, thousand or Mil.

Have you factored in the higher attrition because of Al Qaeda stepping up their recruitment drive?

I shall make it be known that other organisations are eager and willing to hire me at ridiculous sign on bonuses, but it is only because I have a lot more to contribute to my present organisation that I am not quitting.

Whenever I have to respond to something quickly I’ll call up Tech Help complaining of slow-systems and immediate need for defragging/reformatting/re-installation and inform HO that I have a system problem and they can run with the crappy numbers I gave them last month.

When you really think about it, its not going to be something new.

Honestly, let's ask ourselves, most of our colleagues/bosses are they not already there?

I am only starting the journey tomorrow.